Crying with Mr. Bubbles

Why is it that a good cry...one of those cries that aren't terribly loud yet after a while there is no sound but just weeping with eyes pouring tears down your face...again why is it that a good cry when over you feel so much better?  You either feel at peace, cleansed or empowered in some way.  Why is it that I, Anna, have to be broken to be enlightened?

Last night, I sat at my dining table and opened the Bible and started reading various highlighted scriptures.  I didn't mean to open it up - I was actually picking it up to move it from where I left it on Sunday.  As I read, I was overcome with sorrow.  I found myself in a scripture that I had no business being part of.  I will explain later. 

My husband worked his 9 hrs. yesterday and when he came home,  I was sitting on the floor with my laptop. He sat behind me and rubbed my shoulders.  He then asked what was for supper.  I said I didn't have plans...I hadn't given it much thought because I wasn't hungry.  He couldn't think of any place he wanted to eat.  I reluctantly said I could fix something but we didn't have much.  I hadn't been grocery shopping in quite some time.  My husband said not to worry he would go get something.  He came home with 3 grocery bags.  I was talking on the phone, sitting outside on our little porch, when he came in.  About 10 minutes later, he delivers me a hot plate of stir fried rice with lots of vegetables that he made himself on the stove, with a piece of rotisserie chicken and a roll.  It took him 10 minutes using prepared rice.  I hung up the phone and went in the apartment to share supper with him.  He was watching a movie.  I ate at the dining table.  He was not mad, and was very content.

What kind of wife who stays home all day (or shops), who still can walk and move her limbs, and who doesn't have little ones to care for allows her husband to come home after working all day, rub "her" shoulders, go back out into traffic, go grocery shopping, and come home to fix his own supper and mine?  The answer: the kind of wife who is selfish, inattentive, and non-supportive. 

I did say thank you.  I even apologized to him.  However, my evening didn't end there.  After pushing away my plate, I picked up my Bible to move it from the table.  I decided to open it.  I read several passages to Tim as he saw me with my Bible and wanted to hear what I was reading.  As I read, my heart literally felt tight in my chest. I was a little alarmed.  I then felt the emotional pain of reading about my life of autonomy.   The scriptures didn't directly say this word but I know what it means and I have been selfishly serving my own needs, itineraries and agendas.  You see my friends – we all have heard and some of you even said “God knows my heart” but it is not an excuse for good intentions, or “could of, would of, or should of.” 

After reading to Tim, and realizing the magnitude of a specific scripture I read, I announced that I needed to go take a long bath.  It was in the tub filled with hot water and Thomas’ Mr. Bubbles that I had my cry of deep sorrow.  You might be asking, “Why cry? Just because your husband was nice and fixed supper?”   Yes, because he fixed supper!   More so because I am as I have learned over the years, and recently that I am his counterpart, his support-strength giver. I cried in shame and in terror over my hypocrisy, and my false stature. 

You see, friends, I am most impressed or secure in the character of integrity.  I know none of us are perfect but I strive to be an open, candid, honest and authentic person.  Recently, I have not genuinely lived out my life in obedience to God’s daily will for me.  I have had health issues as of late but that is no excuse. There is always something we can do to serve God, our families, and others (My husband)…let alone live out God’s character of love and care for others.   As I was reading aloud to Tim, I was aware just how far I stretched parts of my life to give the appearance of Godliness.  This is not a light issue for me.

After I cried in remorse, I prayed.  I prayed for the many that are sick, for mothers in emotional pain, for a dear friend grieving the loss of her mother, a friend with household decisions to make, and for a young wife who made a decision to go part time in work to take care of her home and husband.  I was surrounded in peace and comfort.  I am thankful for the cross, for Jesus’ grace and mercy.  I am thankful that my eyes and heart are in their proper place – looking up to Him. 

I finished my bath and as I was enjoying the sweet aroma  of lotion, I heard a dreadful sound.  My tired chef, masseuse and husband of 27 years, was doing the dishes.  I didn’t cry.  I smiled.  I knew in my heart he forgave me and after all we have been through, he still likes to make me happy.  I was cleansed in spirit, and was once again empowered by faith to continue on in my quest to be the wife, counterpart, and faithful Ezer for Kevin.

Your are Loved, acf

THE SCRIPTURE THAT STRUCK MY HEART

2 Timothy 3:1-5 Living Translation (NLT)

You should know this, Timothy, that in the last days there will be very difficult times. 2 For people will love only themselves and their money. They will be boastful and proud, scoffing at God, disobedient to their parents, and ungrateful. They will consider nothing sacred. 3 They will be unloving and unforgiving; they will slander others and have no self-control. They will be cruel and hate what is good. 4 They will betray their friends, be reckless, be puffed up with pride, and love pleasure rather than God. 5 They will act religious, but they will reject the power that could make them godly. Stay away from people like that!

Verse 5 in New American Standard Bible

5 holding to a form of [b]godliness, although they have denied its power;

 (the obvious when I cite scripture is to read in context)

FOR REFERENCE/NOTE:

Ezer (eh-zair) is a Hebrew term used in the Bible.  It has had its meaning tweaked in different translations and even as language evolved.   I encourage you to look it up in your Biblical dictionaries or other resources.  Ezer connotes strength and power and is not a weak word.

As Kevin’s Ezer, I am an equal image bearer of God with different strengths – I am a counterpart in the service of Christ with my husband. I am to be a source of strength  for Kevin not actually a “helpmate” but I do help.  I am not a maid.  I am his support as he leads in service to God and provides for this family.  As an Ezer, I am to be approachable and hospitable to others, nurture my family and those God brings into our lives– creating a strength for them to be who God intends them to be and also I am to come alongside others to contribute strength  and encourage them as they bear their burdens. In doing these things,  I will be taking care of my husband, home, family, and others – being a counterpart with Kevin in our service to God.   I love my husband and as a Biblical homemaker, I want to provide for his basic needs of an orderly shelter of rest, clean clothes, care for our children and prepare meals for him.  When I worked, I contributed to our financial resources as an opportunity to have more in order to do more for not just ourselves but to administer to needs of community, church, and charity.  Kevin came alongside me and together we drew strength from each other to keep our home functioning.   Ezer is a powerful position that entails much responsibility because like Eve we have power to influence and use our strength for selfish purposes thus be an hindrance to our husbands in his service to God and responsibilities to provide and protect.