Finding My Way

There are days when I forget who I am because I am everything to someone else….

 

                I am the housekeeper

                I am the launderer

                I am the cook

                I am a parent

                I am a sister

                I am a daughter

                I am a lover

                I am a number of titles. 

 

I am a WIFE… I became a wife by choice.  What exactly is a wife and does it mean that I change to someone else and forget who I am?   

 

By the way, who am I?

 

  I am a free spirit – I became secure in routine but in heart my spirit says “What’s new?  And let’s go make a change.”

                I am funny and love to laugh. 

                I love glamour and lipstick.

                I dance and I skip and I play.

                I sing love songs and old songs from my youth.

                I love romance and flirting.

                I love the color RED, and purple, and yellow.

                I value others and my family…the memories, the love, the connection.

                I most importantly love Jesus….I worship, I pray, and I share. 

 

The title of wife should never mean to forget who you are but it does imply that you are not about just yourself anymore.  I have had a hard time with this.  Some of you who know me are surprised by this statement.  I love being a wife.  I always wanted to be a wife.  I am a pretty good wife…not perfect but good.  However, I am honest and candid enough to admit…I like things about “Me”.   

 

It wasn’t long ago that I ran away because I wanted to remember who I was.  I couldn’t remember any of the things that made me “Anna” or “Tina” (depending how you know me).  I didn’t want the distraction of my “titles” and my duties.  It was a long enough period to realize that I enjoyed being on my own…dinner menus, TV shows, and activities that took no consideration of others or any one particular person.  I thought I was the happiest woman on earth.  I was on my own.  I could look back and see that … I was married, educated, worked outside the home, had children, was a stay at home mom, active church member, God surrendered,  had a grandchild, and experienced all the wonderful standards of an American “good” life.  I was right about being “happy” but so wrong about being complete…whole! 

 

I had a gaping “hole” in my being and it still existed when I tried life on my own.  Spiritually, I knew I had to fill this hole with the forgiveness, mercy, and grace that Jesus gives.  I knew I had to release guilt and condemnation of my recurrent sins and inner struggles.  I knew I had to fill myself with the love of God the Father and live purposefully for Him.  I got that.  

 

However the hole still existed.  What I needed was to redefine myself and fulfill my commitment of marriage.  I needed to effectively communicate to my husband that this emptiness was a need for value and affirmation not only from God but from him.  I have communicated this many times in our marriage...tenderly, angrily, tearfully, and too loudly.  Was I effective?  No.  My husband tried but I would not receive it.   

 

Sadly, I take certain circumstances and situations personally when I do not appear to be given the priority, the defense, or the value I so deeply long for.  This longing may seem trivial and absurd to some of you.  You know that my husband “serves” me dearly.  Serving is his love language.  He is physically affectionate, helpful, caring and tends to my needs.  He is sincerely close to perfect in my opinion.  This longing I have is desired mostly because I grew up without a dad.  I did not receive the affirmation or the unconditional love that fills a young girl’s heart.  I most unfortunately have made my husband the vessel to pour into me this vital feeling of security denied me in my youth.  It is odd that I know my husband is not responsible for my father’s actions yet I still place this “need” in his hands.  I know this root of emptiness needs to be cut off at the root.  I must release my tie to the past.   

 

I wrote earlier in this post that I needed to redefine myself.  I still am all that is listed above…the titles and the self-description.  My redefinition is "a real wife" - true to myself yet remembering I am a “wife”.  I love being a wife.  I belong to Kevin. I am convinced in spirit and I live by the truth that my life is not all about me…I have a husband and we are one.  He doesn’t deny me the privilege of being myself.  He fell in love with the free spirited woman who loved life, loved him and loved her red lipstick. 

 

Today we have been married 26 years!  It is our wedding anniversary.  He left me 2 Hallmark cards today by my coffee cup.  One was funny and one was heart piercing….He got it!  He knows me well.  I want to share its words with you. 

 

Hold on to me, and I will hold on to you through anything and everything life brings our way.

Bring me your worries and I’ll listen with my heart.

Tell me what you need and I’ll do my best to give it to you.

Love me even when it isn’t easy, and I promise to do the same for you…

After all, isn’t that what love, true love, is all about? 

 

I continue to learn that I cannot live by feelings.  I am rooted and grounded in God’s love and His word.  Marriage isn’t easy but worth all the effort.   I found the man who never wanted to change me but loved me enough to see me through how I have changed and led me back to discovering  who I am…his wife… who loves him …until the day after forever.

 

You are Loved, acf

 

PS:  When I looked up the definition of the word “wife”, I found that it has German origin as well as old English.  It simply means “woman”.   It was not connected to marriage.  However, current, more contemporary dictionaries define wife as a woman partner in a marriage.  So, I concur that when we become wives, we are just ourselves…women.  We are partners in a marriage.  We are to be Godly women who love and serve their husbands without forgetting who they are spiritually and in personality, yet being fully aware that we are often called to deny ourselves for the cause of Christ in life’s journey which includes our marriages