"Dye-ing" on the Bathroom Floor

It is a rainy, grey morning, however, it is good because I am feeling more alive than I have felt in a long time. Currently, my medical condition is still painful, but I am healing.

Let me tell you, girlfriends, I have said it before and I say it again, “God doesn't ever give me a break”. I know I sound like I am complaining and I am a bit, but it's true, He continuously uses the refining tools so that some day I will "get it". I can live in His grace but there is always room for improvement and one must stay focused on His work and remember "it's not about me".

I thought since I couldn't talk, walk (joint pain), or do much of anything that I would be able to read and study my Bible and that I would learn so much and be all spiritual when I got thru this flare up. My head hurt so much due to the mouth pain that I found reading hard to concentrate on and my eyes got tired easily. But guess what, ladies???I could HEAR!

If I was not sleeping, I would lie still and listen. I would pray and ask God (or at least I thought I was asking) about His will for me and my family. I would hear God speak to my spirit about CHANGE, CHANGE, and CHANGE! Not change “who I am” but change my habits and mannerisms to reflect just in fact “who I am”…a child of God with fruits of the spirit, a Biblical woman, mother, wife, daughter and friend. It was a time to seriously think of “who I am” and “who I represent”. It is time to soften up. God is a loving, just, and powerful God, but He is also gentle. I didn’t realize I was such a harsh person.

After being in bed for 3 days, Friday night Cory asked if he could help me clean up the house. Kevin and Tim were out for the evening. Cory’s plans had changed for the evening. I was actually feeling a little energy so we went room by room and cleaned it up. Everything was dusted, polished, vacuumed, and cleaned. The house felt so cozy. We lit candles and watched some TV together.

It was still early in the evening when we finished. I went to the restroom and looked in the mirror and Phyllis Diller was staring back at me. My famous headband was stacked crookedly on top my head. Grey hair was sticking out all over the place. My face looked dry and old. I wasn’t a very pretty wife and I am sure I smelled like Pine Sol. So I hit the bathroom for some “me” time. I did a micro dermabrasion facial on me. I tweezed my eyebrows. I scrubbed my “crunchy feet” and carefully flossed my teeth trying not to disturb my blisters. I wasn’t feeling all that great but I was not going to let Kevin come home to “Phyllis”.

As I was trying to be the softer, gentler, more feminine, Biblical woman in the bathroom with my final battle … hair dye…I felt God’s presence. I had been listening to a radio program while doing my “beauty” treatments. I had been sort of listening to the program in between my selfish thoughts of how it wasn’t fair that Queen Esther had all these maidservants to do this stuff for her. I had just squeezed the last drop of dye onto my hair and stacked my hair on my head. The preacher on the radio was talking about consequence of sin in spite of Grace. I didn’t hear everything like I just confessed but I did hear him say that sometimes long term illness/sickness is a result of unconfessed sin. I turned off the radio and fell to my knees. I bowed my head and said “God I can accept this disease for what it is. It is an auto immune disease. My body has turned itself against me. I understand this and can deal with it. However, I can’t stand the thought of having unconfessed sin.” Then I got brave, my friends. I gathered up the courage and outright asked God to show me any unconfessed sin. I felt warm salty tears drop onto my face and onto my lips. I couldn’t speak. I couldn’t hear. I felt sad. I felt lonely as if I was all alone. The house was quiet and it was just me and God. I got off my knees and sat down on the floor. I cleared my emotions. I sat and listened. God showed up, ladies. He spoke to my spirit. It was cleansing. It was humbling. It was just for me.

I eventually got off my knees. He showed me things and I didn’t immediately change but I said I was sorry and I had remorse. He continued to deal with me throughout the weekend.
• A girlfriend came and sat with me on Saturday night while my family was out for a church event. She was used in a way she may never know. I felt again the sandpaper of God’s love.
• I made it to church on Sunday, went to a bridal shower, and attended the evening service as well. The preaching was phenomenal and I took it heart.
• The bridal shower was so sweet. New love, romance, and excitement filled the air. This couple was so fresh and optimistic. My marriage has been stale and routine. The shower filled my spirit with joy and a desire to take a closer look at my marriage.
• Before leaving church yesterday, I sat with a couple who told me that they were taking a class our church is offering on Godly finances. They said they had no choice but to do the class because money management is the biggest sin in their lives. I was convicted. I had wanted to do the class too from the first invitation but dismissed the possibility of attending because Kevin didn’t know if he could commit to the weekly studies. Last night Kevin made a commitment with me to do the class. We are signed up and paid.

I came home last night with my heart full. I hugged Kevin before going to bed at 8:30pm. I was ready to bask in God’s goodness. I still have blisters, ladies. I am getting better. It was a very painful week last week, and the disease is not in remission yet. However, I would do it all over again just to have God’s voice in my ear – in my spirit all over again. I would “dye” on the bathroom floor again just to have His audience. I am, my girlfriends, learning to “die to self”.

Thank you for your prayers. I felt the strongest prayers on Friday prior to cleaning my home. I had energy and I had desire to “homekeep” again. I appreciate you all so much.