Crumbs

My sister and I were talking about our relationships with our husbands. It wasn't about putting them down or anything hateful. It was how it's hard to see love in "the crumbs", when we need other affirmations or experiences. She said to me that we need to pile up the crumbs and see how big their love is. It made sense. 

I have been told to see my husband's service and gifts as his love, even if he doesn't speak the affirmations or give me the quality time-priority that I want and need. I tried that. It helped some but in those lonely times, those times when a warm, pretty word of my value as a wife is needed, my husband serving me a hot cup of coffee with warmed creamer doesn't fill that need. When I need to be wanted and the sense of belonging is tugging at my heart, his patiently fastening my necklace doesn't quite suffice my hunger. I have broken trust and insecurities.

However, what if I piled up the crumbs. What would I see. How high the pile would be! I could bury my face in them and fill my aching grumble within. Even in my husband's imperfection, short comings, and painful disappointments to me, I can find some moments of his love. 

Things happen in relationships - in strong marriages. These things are troublesome. They are weakening. Some seem unforgiveable. Some keep re-occurring that our spouse's integrity is questioned. This I know by experience. I can choose to be strung along by false crumbs to keep me in a toxic relationship with no peace, or I can decipher and determine if the crumbs are a foundation of his love...giving me a big pile of love. The question is how do I know if the crumbs are sustaining, nourishing, and given in love? I must look at the quality of the crumb and the consistency of the pieces. 

I am going to list the crumbs my husband often feeds me. However, I want to clarify that the term "crumbs" doesn't mean his way of loving is not significant, unmeaningful, or unappreciated. The loving

acts of my husband just seem like crumbs when I am hungry for the whole slice of bread.

 

My sister and I were thinking of ways we get annoyed when our "wants" are not met, yet our husbands are consistent in other ways that we would not want to live without, or that we know some husbands wouldn't do. We are blessed that ours do. 

Many of my Christian readers are saying "Why don't you get your insecurities and emotional needs met in Jesus. Jesus is enough, etc.?" He is and He is truly my all and all. However, as a wife of a husband that He put me in covenant with, I have a need for my physical husband to fulfill parts of me as a wife - after being depleted. Not going to get into the reason why.  

The point of this blog is to help me and others see that the precious things that our spouses do - the things that seem ordinary are sometimes accessed as routine, or small. They are not. They are "crumbs" of familiarity. After years and years of being a recipient, I can stack the times and experiences on high. I can smile. I can dive into his love. I can also convey to my husband my desire for him to speak my love language and meet my needs, but then I need to pray in faith that he will be more mindful to do so. 

I need to enjoy the crumbs as significant. Taste and see that God is good and the husband He gave me is as well. We have done "marriage" imperfectly, yet I know that our marriage is worth working hard to save when things get beyond being annoyed. 

Some of the crumbs I enjoy:

He warms my creamer before pouring it into my coffee.

He rubs me feet every night while we watch TV.

He puts my shoes on my feet at my request and sometimes he just volunteers. (My hands hurt)

He washes the dishes for me after family dinners or just after the two of us. He often sends me to rest.

He rubs my back and neck every morning when he sees me hunched at the table looking at my laptop.

He always empties the car for me of groceries, shopping bags, etc.

He is QUICK to forgive me of my ills.

He sleeps on the sofa until I get home if I am out late.

He takes my car to get gas when it's low without me asking. I rarely have to pump gas.

He still opens my door to get me into or out of the car.

He buys me flowers most every week as money allows.

He makes me sourdough toast most every morning. He makes sure we always have it and not run out.

The crumbs are plentiful. Oh how, I wish our marriage hadn't suffered some its infractions and indiscretions but I don't have to live there and I haven't in quite some time. I do get distracted and feel familiar triggers of pain at times but what helps IS my focus on his consistent, rewarding and the familiar daily "I love you." I choose to pile up the flavorful crumbs - the sweet toppings of his provision and reliable "feel good" services and care. They speak "big" love.