However, today the sun is up and I can smell all the snow I want but the fact is not a flake is on the ground. So I will aim to be productive in my day. Productive has new meaning in this stage in my life. I no longer have young boys to take care of and homemaking is more of a romantic routine than a "have to" or "scheduled activity". The guys do their own laundry and live their lives more independently. Personally I do have to have order and neatness for mental peace but the mindset is no longer I "have" to be supermom, with super clean house and order, so I can do super things for my kids and entertain my friends. I wouldn't change the way I was re: housekeeping, etc. because it allowed me time and ability to get things accomplished, but how nice it is to "home make" at a calmer speed, with a different mindset...the mindset that says "clean up and have order to make things nice and simple for you and Kevin, so you can relax when he comes home or be ready to do something spontaneous." I decorate and purchase things for utility and for beauty not just for "I have to have the "in thing" or my kids would enjoy this." I loved doing for the entire family but now we are near "empty nesters" and I LOVE IT!
Note: Our empty nest really isn't empty because the guys still live here. I term it empty nest because they are 20 and 22 yrs old. They go and do as they please and take care of their laundry, rooms, and entertaining themselves
I wanted my first entry since 2010 to be a timeline of all that we've been through these past 2 years. They were 2 years of literal "hell" on earth. Yes, I said "hell". I am very candid and emotionally real in this blog. However, I prayed about what to write and this is what it is...
Last fall I had a true melt down. It was at work in the doctor's office. I wanted to end my marriage. Kevin and I were in church together, living together, and working through some stressful stuff with our youngest boy. We looked and functioned for the most part like a "normal" couple. But something was amiss. Our arguments became personal attacks. We no longer held hands. We ate supper together but mostly out of paper bags or boxes from fast food places. He watched alot of TV and I spent hours on the computer. We didn't genuinely care about each others days at work. We didn't go on dates. We had very separate lives but lived in the same home. This was our whole summer. In May we had a nice family vacation with our boys and their girlfriends at the beach, but it was like a last farewell to unity.
Kevin and I didn't know our hearts were separating. We thought we were just fine...well he thought so. I shared with a couple of friends how sad I was feeling and how angry I was becoming. I thought all the scary things like another woman, or he fell out of love for me. My friends were shocked because Kevin and I always portrayed a strong and loving relationship. I got lots of advice and reminders that Kevin and I have been through so much stress in the last two years...car accidents, new grand baby, rebellious son, providing for Cory's college, my auto immune disease flare ups, my hospitalization for heart event, downsizing our home, and of course Kevin losing his job. Though advisers meant well, I felt my marriage wasn't weakened by these horrible events. Something just wasn't clicking.
I woke up one morning and drove to a little country church and parked by their graveyard and cried until I filled a hand towel with tears. Then I drove to several stores and spent money redecorating our bathrooms, which was silly because I didn't want to live there anymore. I went to work a couple days later and while in parking lot I called a young friend of mine to see if I could sleep at her place for a couple nights. I text Kevin on his cell phone to tell him I needed space and not to call me but know that I was safe and I would call him if any emergency occurred.
Well, if you know me or have read my blog posts since 2008, you know that our Father God doesn't let me get by with anything. I went into work and put on my happy face. After lunch, the doctor's wife took me aside because she could tell I had been crying. Fully expecting her sensitivity and sympathy I shared with her my sadness for my lonely marriage. She did hug me and ask me straight out if I loved my husband. I of course said I hate him for being cold hearted but I do love him very much. She proceeded to lead into me how I needed to love Kevin like Jesus. I was to go home and just love on and do for him like I would for Jesus. "What? I have to love Kevin like Jesus...Kevin has been cold hearted, cynical and mean!!!!" " Yes she said and do it for 90 days." She proceeded to tell me to write a letter asking Kevin how I have changed and what he would like to see different in me. Hells bells! A challenge I at first did not want to commit to. She said "Anna I didn't come up with this on my own. I empathize with you but the Holy Spirit put it in my heart to challenge you." I told her I would consider it but that I wasn't going home for a couple of days.
The first night i was at my little girlfriends house, I was having a precious time with her and her little daughter. She was separated from her husband and she was very hurt by him. I just listened and felt so bad for her. She was determined to take care of her daughter and believed there may be hope for her marriage. I did NOT share with her what the doctor's wife had shared with me earlier that day. The second night I stayed there at her house she dropped a bomb on me. She said "I have been thinking that maybe we need to treat and love our husbands better." What the *@#+? She proceeded to read from a book to me about loving and respecting our husbands.
Needless to say, I was obedient and took the challenge and Kevin wrote me a precious letter stating he wouldn't change anything about who I am BUT he pointed out ways I have changed since we got married. I didn't love him perfectly and was inconsistent in my efforts at first. But 90 days passed and we are not an empty nester statistic that indicates empty nesters forget who each other are and proceed to divorce.
God did a miracle in my heart re: loving Kevin and cherishing my marriage but the biggest lesson and eye opener to me was how poor I can be at loving Jesus. The challenge was to love Kev like Jesus. How do I show Jesus love?....obedience, respect, time with Him, service to Him, giving to Him, and representing Him in my language and actions. It is sad I found it hard to meet the challenge but more sad is maybe I didn't love Jesus like I should. How about you?
Fun song I sang as a kid...who knew? Click on this comment.
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