I had a lady friend at church ask me how I was doing after I had cordially asked her how she was doing. She then grabbed my hand and asked "How are you really doing? I read your blogs still." I received an email from a friend and she said I sounded "woeful" in my last correspondence. These are two women who rarely see me, and verbally have not had a conversation in quite some time. I had another lady friend talk with me at church, who recently took some time to talk me through an emotional situation, and she offered to meet with me re: my youngest son. These outreaches have been on my mind but not for the reasons you may think.
I appreciate the encouragement and outreaches. I am truly going to take up my friend's offer to talk to me re: my son. I felt loved and appreciated by all these ladies. However, I got to thinking about my inability to hide my current sadness, discouragement, and discontent. You see, girlfriends, I enjoy my blogging and the opportunity to share my life stories with you in hopes that they can somehow encourage you or at least entertain you. Yet, it was never my intention to let you in too deep, but here you are! Some of you are within reach and others of you are my internet buddies. You are all truly in my heart...the heart that today is burdened with lack of faith...there I said it out loud!
This blog may be a little long so you might want to abandon ship now.
All my life I wanted to be a mom, and wife. I had no real career goals though I went to a California University and studied Sociology. I have had some great office admin jobs and have headed some great committees, PTA, etc. I have used some my "intellect" if you will. However, like I mentioned I truly just wanted an opportunity to make a home. I was anxious to create a home unlike I grew up in. I wanted a husband at home, and wonderfully secure children.
In pursuit of this dream, I married an honest, hardworking, college educated, career placed, man. He was patient, gentle, and kind. We had our "before kids" fun by going on long motorcycle rides, visiting wineries, going to concerts, and spending time with our families. We had 2 children after being married 2 1/2 years, perfect timing in my book. I was 25 and Kevin was 30. I read all the books, listened to all the media - mostly Christian, on how to raise healthy, spiritual children. I was able to balance a compliant and a rebellious child pretty easily. I don't remember much conflict with either my children or my husband. I have "recurrent" issues with Kevin but nothing worth a divorce or separation. My children accepted Christ in their hearts and were baptized 10 years ago in May. At that time, I felt my life was full and happy. I was involved in women’s ministry and active in the children’s school. Sibling rivalry hit our house hold about 8 years ago. We endured and weathered it for about 3 years. The last 5 have been great as the boys have re-bonded.
So here I am 22 years into my perfect marriage, with an almost 20 year old son, and a 17 year old son. I am 45 years old and approaching empty nest but not nearly as soon as it used to be. Girlfriends, today and in days past, I have been feeling very sad, not because my pride is hurt and my quest for a perfect life is foiled. I wasn’t one of those sickening moms who didn’t let their boys get dirty or never let the house get tore up, though their clothes matched and they were rarely barefoot…ouch, I guess I was a little bad. I didn’t think my way was the best way and in fact I learned a lot from other moms. I started raising my family in Oregon…Hippie central of America. They were very relaxed. I am hurt because I wanted my boys to bask and indulge themselves in a life - a home that was filled with security, affirmation, entertainment-having fun, Godliness, comfort, provision of their needs, and TWO PARENTS who love them and want to encourage them to be what God wants them to be! Yet my youngest has rejected our home values, and has rejected us…me.
He is going against everything we believe as a family…our family values. We have very few good days with him. His weekends are filled with the world’s pleasures. He has no respect for authority. He defies us at every turn. He brings me to tears often. He is disrespectful and has horrific language. I try and love this child often with physical touch, but it’s like hugging a porcupine. I have celebrated his paychecks, his girlfriend’s graduation, and his occasional assistance to the household, and anything that is positive in his life. I have disciplined by denying him money, his car (which he has had in 3 weeks, I am proud of myself), and our permission to participate in fun things he hasn’t deserved, youth trips, etc. He doesn’t go to church on Sunday mornings due to work, but refuses to go on Sunday nights, or Wednesdays. He leaves without asking and doesn’t return until the next day at times. He failed 2 of his classes in school this past semester. He may not get to graduate next year with his class. Ladies, my heart is broken. I am at wits end.
If you are asking yourself, have you prayed, Anna? Well yes ma’am I have, but not lately. I am not supposed to give up. I am stronger that this. I love to pray. I pray for others. I am just exhausted by my son. Well, until this morning. I woke up with my lady friends on my mind. I told myself, “Stop bringing others down. Apparently your face is showing signs of sadness, and your words are not cheerful.” And then I told myself, “Your face should reflect the Joy of salvation…a hope in Christ. My speech should be light and hopeful.” Ladies, these things would be if I was truly in prayer re: my son.
You might be asking yourselves, “Is it only Tim?” Well, it’s not. I have some discontent in my marriage too. My husband and I truly love each other and are committed to our marriage. However, as mentioned before we have become very busy at separate lives lately. He is on a 4 day trip now with his parents. He is enslaved to his work. I am busy filling my time with other people – some socialization and some that have needs. I am saddened by our lack of time with each other and the fun and happiness. I want more than the assurance of “life ever after”. I want the emotion of happy and I want to have fun! THERE IS NO INFIDELITY GOING ON just a heart distraction. Your prayers are coveted.
So today I found my Prayer lists in a notebook. I used to pray off these “lists” of sorts for each member of my family. It seemed a little “religious” to some and I got discouraged. I guess if I would have never shared that I did this no one would have had any thing to say. So now I am bringing them back out. If I don’t feel like praying, then I can at least read until my spirit joins and my faith is restored. Here’s a sample:
Tim Friend:
Continued development of music skills
Proper diet and healthy food choices
Energy and desire to perform household and school tasks
Develop and prioritize healthy male friendships
Desire to participate in sports/clubs/group activities
Hunger for Bible/God’s Word
Clean up his language
Open his eyes to our love and the value we place on him
Take away desire to smoke
Drive safely – protection
Give him respect for authority and show him the value of it
Girls, the list goes on. I have a specific list for every member of my family. Please pray for me as I go to my knees in prayer for my family. I love each of you. Thank you for your care and concern. My family distraction doesn’t take away my need for you, and I want to be there for you. Today's blog has been a little selfish but please know encouragement is on the way. God will do something big with this time in my life. I am counting on Him.
I to share this right now...the spirit just reminded me. I am so bad! I went to bed Saturday night and was genuinely praying for Tim. The Lord brought to mind the scripture that talked about a shepherd going after the 0ne sheep in 99 that strayed. I told myself that I would look it up soon. Sunday morning our new preacher spoke on the Prodigal Son in Luke chapter 15(?). He had us read the first 2 verses in Chapter 15 and then moved over to the Prodigal son. Well! I was looking back over the chapter and there it was the story of the lost sheep! God is good. I am feeling His presence. Wow.
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