Mom Goes AWOL

I have much to apologize for but to say I have regrets I am not there yet. Ladies, this mom went on a trip after a heated argument with my husband. I am not airing out our dirty laundry but the event catapulted me into a selfish state that was in the works for awhile now. I wrote last blog about trying to get to know who I am outside of my responsibilities, assignments, and relationships. After the argument, I decided that I didn't like who I was anymore. I also had some valid fears about my marriage that I needed to face and I had no idea how to handle the confrontation and communication I needed to find some peace and resolve. I thought after spending time with my husband last Sunday that our communication was opening up and we were on our way to being close again. I was wrong. Kevin and I were growing apart and our busy lives were taking precedence over our commitment to doing the right thing.

So yesterday, I drove and drove and drove until I ended up in the mountains at a retreat center. I ended up in the prayer garden. The dam broke and my God showed up. I told Him all that I was feeling, as if He didn't already know. I was cleansed of fears and doubts. A peace surrounded me like I haven't felt in a long time. I looked up into my van mirror and Alice Cooper stared back at me. Mascara had ran down my face onto my blouse and yet, my eyes though red, were suddenly brighter and I think I even smiled. I listened for His voice but I didn't hear a thing. I suddenly was consumed with the desire to hear His word. I just wanted to devour His word. I set out to find a place to study.

While traveling about and considering where I would spend the night, I found a radio station where a preacher was preaching about the existence of Hell. It was very interesting and it challenged every thing I believed about Hell. It was a good distraction from my emotional state.

Ladies, once I was settled into my clean, comfy room. I sat at the table to seek God’s guidance. I wasn’t there to justify my actions, nor to ask God to see things my way or to have Him reassure me of my choices. I wanted to seek His counsel for how to handle my situation with my husband. I wanted to know where I was wrong and how I contributed. I also wanted to know why I felt so alone, and wanted to know who I am, “Who is Anna? The real Anna.”

You are probably saying to yourselves, what are you thinking, Anna. You know you are a child of God and you are a Christian. Well, blah blah blah, girlfriends. I am sorry but I was feeling like a label. . . mom, wife, friends, etc. I was having a hard time remembering what I like, what I enjoy, and who I was before all the responsibilities. Don’t get me wrong though, God did set me straight but in a loving way only He can do.

Remember, the favorite things list I was going to make. I never made it. When I sat down to read His word last night, I felt God asking me to make the list. It was four pages long front and back. It was filled with not only tangible things like rose petals, but things like the smell of fresh cut grass. It was a list of things I like to do…laugh, dance, hold hands, etc. It was filled with things like spontaneity, risk, and reckless abandon. Girlfriends, a while back when I was reading autographs on my high school yearbooks, I was reading about a girl where people were saying “You’re crazy fun!” “You such a kick” “I love your smile” “You are great to be around” “You are a great friend”. Who was that chick? It was me. I used to be fun. I wasn’t so structured, responsible, and rigid. I wasn’t so rule orientated and fearful of taking risks or meeting a challenge. Where did that Anna go? Isn’t there a way to balance growing up, being a God fearing woman, and still having some personality? I have become uncomfortable in my own skin. I believe the Lord had me write the list as a starting point for the task ahead He has planned for my life.

We were never meant to be robots and cookie cutter Christians. We were never meant to follow each other in behaving a certain way because this is what a Christian at this church is supposed to behave like. We were made to be in an intimate relationship with Christ, serving Him, accomplishing His goals and purposes, using His word and using the personality and characteristics He made us with. I had lost this. I was too busy being the kind of person people in my circle of influence wanted me to be. I have become a boring, serious, Bible thumping, good little Jesus girl. I had forgotten to enjoy what I like and take care of “me” in the process. If we don’t take time to enjoy who we are and get to know who we are, God can’t use us in the magnificent way He wants because we are too busy being what we THINK He wants us to be or what others want us to be.

I opened up the Bible and began looking up several verses in both the new and old testaments about the Love of Christ. I was reaffirmed in my belief that my life is not my own. It is not about me and all about Him. I was reminded of denying self and staying focused on being fulfilled in His love so I can love like He does and give sacrificially. I was not babied and pacified. I was called to His high standard. However, I was also reminded how much He loves me just the way I am…just the way He made me. I was charged with living a life that is filled with not only the joy of His salvation but the joy of loving life. I was reassured that I can be fun and take time for me so that I don’t burn out and no longer want to serve others. I have been suppressing my favorite things to do, suppressing my true feelings so as not to offend others – like being selfish with my time, etc. I have been busy being busy and yet as I heard on a TV program this morning “not producing fruit.” It seems we are so busy being busy that we are not fruitful. My time should be fruitful for the kingdom of God not just busy.

In conclusion of this long Bible study, He directed me to the love chapter in the Bible…1 Corinthians 13. This is where I received my guidance to handle my marital challenges and relationship struggles. God is so good, girlfriends. He will answer our questions. He will give you what you need if you genuinely and honestly seek Him. You must listen however. You must pick up His word. Upon my return home today, my family and I sat around the table. I shared my hurts and struggles and explained why I left them yesterday. It was a very hard time emotionally for all of us. God is healing and we are going to make it.

Last night after Bible study, I must say I thoroughly enjoyed some old classic movies, waxed my lip, tweezed my eyebrows, polished my nails and had a good ole slumber party with me, myself and I.! Selfish? Yes, because my family was worried about me back home. Necessary? Definitely! I was being reckless, frivolous, and downright spontaneous. I went to bed with a smile and even a little chuckle escaped my lips. I was having fun. It was good to become reacquainted with the girl who was born 45 years ago today. Happy birthday, to Me!