It's Just a Different Christmas

 

I asked, “Why the different kind of Christmases these past few years, Lord? He answered with a truth that was simple yet powerful enough to strip me of my self-assumed answers. First some background to present insight to my mind, attitude, and emotions. My goal is not to conjure up pity or excuses but to deliver candidly a rawness and transparent life of A Friend. One of you may relate to my Christmas season and many of you will have insight on how to pray for someone or perhaps understand someone who shares my struggle with this season.

I have loved Christmas since a child, sadly not because of the birth of Christ. Though I knew its meaning, It was the anticipation of happiness and peace. My childhood had provision of all the basics – nourishing food, adequate and appropriate clothing, and warm shelter. I had a mom who loved and sacrificed for her children to have what they needed-all 4 of us. My father was a transient dad, who lived with us off and on. On Christmas, it was about awe of Santa, gifts with bows, siblings were happy, mom was pleased, and a long extended-family visit with a fabulous meal would provide security, peace, and safety. Dad didn’t show up drunk at my aunt’s house. If so, we children were sheltered.  We were lost in the fun play and conversations with cousins. My cousins were very much my first best friends.

In my tween and teen years, I was able to earn some money. Christmas giving became more of a focus. I loved buying my mom presents, even something small. I bought gifts for friends and teachers. Something within me would experience joy seeing the receiver smile when a gift was given to them. It was all I needed. Therapists back then would have probably said it would meet an emotional need or deficit. I was a believer at 11 years old. I was saved and baptized. I knew the real meaning of God With Us, Messiah, and Deliverer. I knew what Christmas was. I know now it was a spiritual gift from the Holy Spirit. I love to give…gifts? Yes, but also hospitality, my time, and hugs. Christmas took on a new meaning in those years though the feeling of safety and enjoying traditions were kept.

In my 20’s, I fell in love. Christmas was all about him. “Christ my savior born” was no longer the primary focus…not as much as seeing myself in my boyfriend-husband’s eyes. I lived far from my family back home. I recreated some Christmas memories, added some of his family traditions, and yes, pondered the significance of the season. Jesus was faithful. I still had peace and safety.

When our boys were born, Christmas had Jesus’s birth as a wonderful and awesome center, though not a sole focus. We also provided anticipation and wonder of Santa. The tree was never put up late. It was the weekend after Thanksgiving. My home was decorated, cookies were made, activities enjoyed, and gifts were everywhere come Christmas morning. The boys would squeal with happiness. We created and kept Christmas traditions, foods, and activities consistent throughout their years at home. My focus and joy were that my boys were safe and secure, and I was so thankful for Jesus in our hearts. I still sent mom gifts. I love the thought of her having a stocking and gifts under the tree. I loved to give.

We have been empty nesters for a while now. Christmases started out with all the traditions still kept. Jesus was focused on. As of recent years, our sons’ lives have become independent and mostly good. My oldest enjoys new traditions as he balances life with a significant other.  My youngest loves the idea of Christmas joy but struggles with his life choices and disappointments. He spends Christmas with a weight of sadness as he tries to reach for happiness of the occasion. The last several Christmases he has not participated on its day. We have a grandson. He is a joy so deep within my heart. We don’t get to spend Christmas with him, but we see him soon after. He is a teenager now. More on him in another post.

So here we are, readers, recent years of a different Christmas. The tree gets decorated on Christmas eve now because, well, I didn’t know until today. Decorations, cookies, and gift wrapping all happen on Christmas eve and Christmas day. My sons don’t come home until Christmas Day night. It’s all good though. It is not an excuse to not create wonderful times and memories with my husband, but even we suffer with compatibility during Christmas, or we align ourselves with each other and enjoy lazy, unbusy times at home. It wouldn’t be all that bad of a Christmas season for some, but I so miss my enthusiasm and love of Christmas. I can honestly say these recent “different Christmases” have been more spiritually focused. My joy is founded in Him. It is the memories that I cling to rather than create new ones, yet it isn’t why the house, and the tree are not decorated.

This morning, I heard the Lord say in my heart that He has a word for me in my devotional. He provided a scripture that brought to light the error and reason for my procrastination and lack of desire to decorate. I know my sons would love to come over and see the Christmas décor. I know they are disappointed when they hear me say, “I still have to decorate, Mom hasn’t felt well.” It breaks my heart. Jesus kindly, gently, and purposefully nudged me as I read the following verse:

Colossians 3:15 New Living Translation
15 And let the peace that comes from Christ rule in your hearts. For as members of one body, you are called to live in peace. And always be thankful.

If you read all of the above, what was my best part about all my past Christmases? PEACE. I was reminded powerfully to focus on the PEACE from Christ. However, not only was I reminded that my peace comes from Christ, but it was to RULE my life. I was to follow His example of how to love others and my family members. I was to let peace rule my heart, my emotions, and thoughts-intelligence. I have been distracted by what used to be, what was, and how it used to feel. The lack of peace and my proneness to complacency regarding the Christmas holiday came from a heart and life NOT RULED by His peace. The word “rule” is defined as letting Christ’s peace be the filter or guide to how we relate to others, do things, and basically, direct our life. The Greek word for Rule in this verse is brabeuetō, which means "to act as an umpire or arbitrate". I have been wallowing in sadness. I was unsettled and anxious this year and the past few years. Christmas is not how I envisioned it. It can be even better than when I was a child, teenager, and young mom. I am not dependent on my mom, family, husband, or adult sons to have my joy and peace. In fact, His peace is what I seek. His peace is why He came. He knows the ultimate peace is with Him in heaven-for eternity. I have a spirit of peace in me. It has been dormant by choice. I will cling to His peace and have fresh eyes to see Him and let Him umpire my life.

Mark Shultz recorded a song entitled, “Different Kind of Christmas”.
I have some lyrics to share but look up the song. It is heart stirring and so precious.
 
“…there's no laughter in this house
Not like there used to be
There's just a million little memories
That remind me you're not here
It's just a different kind of Christmas this year”
 
“Fighting back the tears
It's just a different kind of Christmas this year”
 
“… There's voices in the driveway
Families right outside the door
And we'll try to make this Christmas like the ones we've had before”
 
“It's time to put the candles in the windows, the lights upon the tree
It's time to fill this house with laughter like it used to be”
 
“It's just a different kind of Christmas this year.”
 
Merry Christmas, You are Loved, Anna Christina

Crumbs

My sister and I were talking about our relationships with our husbands. It wasn't about putting them down or anything hateful. It was how it's hard to see love in "the crumbs", when we need other affirmations or experiences. She said to me that we need to pile up the crumbs and see how big their love is. It made sense. 

I have been told to see my husband's service and gifts as his love, even if he doesn't speak the affirmations or give me the quality time-priority that I want and need. I tried that. It helped some but in those lonely times, those times when a warm, pretty word of my value as a wife is needed, my husband serving me a hot cup of coffee with warmed creamer doesn't fill that need. When I need to be wanted and the sense of belonging is tugging at my heart, his patiently fastening my necklace doesn't quite suffice my hunger. I have broken trust and insecurities.

However, what if I piled up the crumbs. What would I see. How high the pile would be! I could bury my face in them and fill my aching grumble within. Even in my husband's imperfection, short comings, and painful disappointments to me, I can find some moments of his love. 

Things happen in relationships - in strong marriages. These things are troublesome. They are weakening. Some seem unforgiveable. Some keep re-occurring that our spouse's integrity is questioned. This I know by experience. I can choose to be strung along by false crumbs to keep me in a toxic relationship with no peace, or I can decipher and determine if the crumbs are a foundation of his love...giving me a big pile of love. The question is how do I know if the crumbs are sustaining, nourishing, and given in love? I must look at the quality of the crumb and the consistency of the pieces. 

I am going to list the crumbs my husband often feeds me. However, I want to clarify that the term "crumbs" doesn't mean his way of loving is not significant, unmeaningful, or unappreciated. The loving

acts of my husband just seem like crumbs when I am hungry for the whole slice of bread.

 

My sister and I were thinking of ways we get annoyed when our "wants" are not met, yet our husbands are consistent in other ways that we would not want to live without, or that we know some husbands wouldn't do. We are blessed that ours do. 

Many of my Christian readers are saying "Why don't you get your insecurities and emotional needs met in Jesus. Jesus is enough, etc.?" He is and He is truly my all and all. However, as a wife of a husband that He put me in covenant with, I have a need for my physical husband to fulfill parts of me as a wife - after being depleted. Not going to get into the reason why.  

The point of this blog is to help me and others see that the precious things that our spouses do - the things that seem ordinary are sometimes accessed as routine, or small. They are not. They are "crumbs" of familiarity. After years and years of being a recipient, I can stack the times and experiences on high. I can smile. I can dive into his love. I can also convey to my husband my desire for him to speak my love language and meet my needs, but then I need to pray in faith that he will be more mindful to do so. 

I need to enjoy the crumbs as significant. Taste and see that God is good and the husband He gave me is as well. We have done "marriage" imperfectly, yet I know that our marriage is worth working hard to save when things get beyond being annoyed. 

Some of the crumbs I enjoy:

He warms my creamer before pouring it into my coffee.

He rubs me feet every night while we watch TV.

He puts my shoes on my feet at my request and sometimes he just volunteers. (My hands hurt)

He washes the dishes for me after family dinners or just after the two of us. He often sends me to rest.

He rubs my back and neck every morning when he sees me hunched at the table looking at my laptop.

He always empties the car for me of groceries, shopping bags, etc.

He is QUICK to forgive me of my ills.

He sleeps on the sofa until I get home if I am out late.

He takes my car to get gas when it's low without me asking. I rarely have to pump gas.

He still opens my door to get me into or out of the car.

He buys me flowers most every week as money allows.

He makes me sourdough toast most every morning. He makes sure we always have it and not run out.

The crumbs are plentiful. Oh how, I wish our marriage hadn't suffered some its infractions and indiscretions but I don't have to live there and I haven't in quite some time. I do get distracted and feel familiar triggers of pain at times but what helps IS my focus on his consistent, rewarding and the familiar daily "I love you." I choose to pile up the flavorful crumbs - the sweet toppings of his provision and reliable "feel good" services and care. They speak "big" love. 

   

Beauty Tips

A well-seasoned woman of God is uniquely beautiful. The aged woman who has lived through many seasons of life. They have a softer voice, gentle nature, a calmness, and a humble disposition that draws you in powerfully. Their secret I have discovered is not in a cream, a foundation, or in their genetic make-up. Their glow is a peace that reflects their teachable heart and obedience in Christ. They have gained wisdom by practicing in error and victory.

Last week I missed my Bible study class that is reading a book about Mary and Martha. It is unlike anything I have ever learned regarding them. I will list the book’s name and author at the end of this blog post. This week I have had to read two chapters to catch up. The whole time I was reading last week’s chapter I kept hearing in my spirit this is true beauty, Anna. I will share some beauty tips here as I learned from Chapter 10. The chapter is about being “teachable.” 

Beauty Tips:

(This looks long but reads quickly-couldn't figure out line spacing with the tips)

·      Be teachable.

o   Are you teachable? He doesn’t need “know-it-alls;’ He wants people who are willing to learn. Are you a know-it-all?

·       Be available.

o   Jesus needs available people who are teachable.

·       Be transformed.

o   We have to change and change hurts.

§  My mama would pull our hair up and put a ribbon in it. We would wince but she would say, “It hurts to be beautiful.”

o   “God is more concerned about our character than our comfort.” Paul W. Powell.

·       Know you are valuable to Jesus.

o   Martha thought she had value because she was productive.

o   Her true value was that she was His.

·       Stick it out!

o   Martha stuck around and heard Jesus’s rebuke.

o   We must be willing to do the same.

o   Jesus will prepare our hearts to listen and learn.

o   His rebuke is gentle.

o   We can receive it or refuse it. Stick it out!

·       Be humble.

o   When flaws are pointed out, don’t be quick to be offended.

§  Don’t point out others’ faults in defense.

·       Stay close to Jesus.

o   Intimacy with Jesus is better when we receive and apply correction from Him.

o   You will hear Him and sense His presence clearly.

·       Prioritize Jesus.

o   When Lazarus died and Jesus finally came, Martha left a house full of people to meet Jesus. She threw aside her obligations.

·       Don’t be bossy!

o   Don’t order Jesus around.

§  How to answer your prayer?

§  How to deal with a person?

o   Let His authority decide what is best.

·       Put Faith On!

o   Do not wear Doubt.

o   Do not wear Self-Interest.

o   Know who Jesus IS. The very son of God. Christ, the messiah.

·       Wear “New” timelessly.

o   Get a new heart – a changed heart from Jesus.

§  Ask.

§  Be Teachable

§  Be willing to listen.

§  Act on what you hear.

o   Respond to discipline.

§  Definition of discipline: the practice of training; obeying for spiritual purposes.

·       Pay for It!

o   Pay attention to the voice of God.

§  That thought that came to you and lines up with the Bible.

§  The impression in your heart that reflects His character.

o   Do not thwart His work.

§  It’s our opportunity to be transformed.

o   Face what He might say.

§  He loves you.

§  He is gentle.

·       Sin clogs up and distorts.

o   Give up your denial and rebellion.

o   Not only listen to His voice but obey it. It clears the heart.

o   You will become a “know it all” that people refrain from, if you are always learning but not acting on what you learn.

o   Get rid of what you have learned is sin in your life.

·       Apply Obedience liberally, or you will shrivel up.

o   Refusal to apply God’s truth may actually keep us from hearing His voice.

o   We can become accustomed to God’s voice, and it no longer moves us.

§  Ezekiel 33:31-32 in part: “…they...listen to Your words, but they do not put them into practice.”

o   Obedience is essential to a close relationship with Jesus.

§  He will reveal what really matters in each of our lives.

·       The places we try to hide He will put His finger on.

·       Be receptive.

o   If you are teachable, you will come around to obedience quickly.

o   Our loving Father will do whatever it takes to break rebellion in us, so we don’t suffer in sin.

§  Remember He is gentle but to the point.

o   Martha paid attention to Jesus.

§  She was teachable.

§  She took the tender rebuke.

§  She accepted His words though painful to hear.

o   Hebrews 12:11 in part: “…discipline…it produces a harvest of righteousness and peace for those who have been trained by it.” Beautiful!

·       Make Over Time!

o   Don’t refuse corrections.

o   Respond with a teachable heart.

o   Don’t stay in your trespasses and sin.

o   Don’t get tangled up in emotions, hurts, and past disappointments.

o   Reflect His glory.

o   Reject the world’s values – only conform to what God values.

o   Lay down your old life.

·       Transformation in the Mirror (A beautiful woman in Christ).

o   He transforms you into someone entirely new.

o   You now submit to His power.

o   No more worry.

o   Tongue speaks out of a heart of love for Jesus.

§  No gossip.

§  No lies.

§  No ungodly judgements.

·       No more pointing the finger at someone.

o   Your wealth, things, and “stuff” are not worshipped or idolized.

§  You are generous.

§  You give to advance His kingdom.

o   You adore the Lord God.

o   You have a purpose.

o   You have someone to follow.

o   Sin no longer disfigures you.

o   You drink living water.

o   Your thoughts are now His thoughts.

o   Joy is yours to bubble over with.

o   Your mouth sings a song.

o   You are compassionate.          

§  You come alongside others.

§  You help and bear burdens with others.

o   Your voice resonates softly, strongly.

§  Confident.

§  Youthful and optimistic as opposed to cynical.

o   Your heart is clean and warm.

o   You have a renewed right spirit. 

My friends, I desire to be the woman of God that genuinely is approachable and conveys the peace and love of Him. I am not there but I will never stop my quest. I will continue to seek Him and open myself to being teachable and most importantly obedient. 

A woman of God often has good hygiene, and keeps herself as healthy as possible, but more so she wears a softened look without a rigid stern unapproachable demeanor (in my personal opinion).

What I love about a beautiful woman is when her mouth opens it is kind, considerate, and honest. Yes, we can be honest and deliver truth without aggression, loudness, or in a demeaning voice of authority. Jesus is our best example. We can’t be like Him if we don’t know Him. Reading His word and studying His character will get us in the right direction. We must first be teachable. 

Let’s look in the mirror. Beauty is ours now through Him. 

You are Loved, Anna Christina

Book Note: Having a Mary Heart in a Martha World, Joanna Weaver