The Morning After

Ladies, I don’t know what to say. I feel like it is “The Morning After”. Some of you know what I mean. You experience this after a long night of imbibing alcohol or after crying yourself to sleep for hours. You head hurts and you can’t believe what you experienced or did to your body. I didn’t drink or cry myself to sleep last night but I am overwhelmed emotionally. The emails and comments to Tuesday night’s blog were energizing, motivating, heart wrenching, and yes, encouraging. I have friends!

Note: I have a friend that whenever I call her, her ring tone sings in a spoiled childlike voice, “I’ve got a friend, I’ve got a friend.” Isn’t that hilarious? I am not sure if she did it for a play on my name or if she’s excited that I am her friend, but I love it and her.

Girlfriends, I love the response and needed to know that I am true to myself when I say I have unusual struggles and yet real feelings about my obesity. You were my confirmation. I also needed some honest evaluation. I also ever so needed a dose of God’s Word. I may have sounded like I was soliciting pity but true to form in my blog and with my friends, you responded in candidness and raw truth and support. Thank you.

Note: As for these friends that have stated these comments to me over the years, I love them. We have history. It’s just that whenever I mention my weight struggles, or ask for prayer, I get non-committal support and these comments. I am very truthful when I say this hurts, but it’s not the whole of our friendships. I will say that we haven’t spent much time together lately. Also, they have told me that they don’t have time to read my blog. I am counting on that but then again I might need to talk to them about my feelings but most likely not.

Moving on, the reason I say it feels like “The Morning After” is I woke up at 3:00am this morning and couldn’t go back to sleep. I was honestly thinking of my weight because that’s all I do these days. I turned the bedside light on and started to pray. It was brief because I couldn’t concentrate. The kitten wanted to play while I prayed and between whispering “Suzy” and “Dear Jesus” I definitely lost track of to whom I spoke. I was looking through a stack of books I keep at my bedside and found a journal I was going to try and keep. I had 3 entries of various dates in April. I read all of them and the Lord showed up. My heart was overwhelmed with insights that brought me to tears and then stirred up my joy. I soon was not thinking of my weight at all. I was reminded of who I am and what I want to do, and what my Father God wants me to do…grow, have faith, and do my “God-given” purposes. Going back to sleep and then waking up doused in the love of God was overwhelming and somewhat paralyzing…”God, did I really experience You? Wow!”

I have noted some of my entries below and ended with the last written page of my journal, a prayer. In case, you don’t read the entries and prayer below, I want you to know that I love you all and thank you for the comments. I want to post them on index cards for random reading to encourage me on this weight-loss journey. You all are the best.

These are various parts of the entries, not the entire entry. I have added some narration in parentheses.

April 19, 2009
Is there nothing or should I say anything as nice and relaxing as slipping beneath clean cotton sheets on a comfortable bed, freshly showered and legs shaved and lathered with sweet smelling lotion? For me, it’s an indulgence I never take for granted. (I am in bed)

(My men are cooking a late night meal after church)
Tim has joined them after coming home late a few minutes. He would never be on time because it’s expected and a “rule”. I am relieved as I hear him walk through the door. He sounds happy. I miss my Tim of days gone by. I never let a good happy moment with Tim go by unacknowledged or unnoticed. I try to thank him and I definitely thank Jesus.

Cory looks content tonight and is smiling with childlike “I am spoiled” grins. He is a helpful, compliant and loving kid. He has autonomy but he is his dad’s son complete with all of Kevin’s goodness. Thank you Jesus for all my men and what they each bring to my life – blessings and challenges.

I had trouble in church today concentrating. I sang in a spirit of worship yet found myself wandering in thought (during preaching). …My spirit inside felt restless. When service ended…the theme of the message was clear in my heart. I am nothing without faith. I cannot do anything to please God or fulfill His purposes without faith. Achieving this faith for me means to truly believe in God’s grace and His genuine love for ME. I want to serve with unyielding (not giving into the world) faith.

…this I know, I love God’s Word. …I am in love with Jesus and I want to know Him through His Word. …I am loved by Him and I plan to learn about His love accept it for me and never stop thanking Him for choosing me.

(The above entry is clear. I need to continue to have a grateful heart, I need to remember “I am loved”, and IT’S ALL ABOUT FAITH, GIRLFRIENDS)

April 22, 2009
(I had listed my chores for the day)…Yet all I want to do is grab my bible and study, read, reflect. This sounds super spiritual but it is just a sincere heart’s desire. I am in love with God’s Word and I anticipate wonderful blessings that come from spending time in His Word.

I want to be aligned in His Word and not just emotional.

I don’t know how my day will end – but I do know I will read His Word somehow someway and before my eyes close for the night. Acf

(Ladies, I have let busyness get in the way of my hunger and love of God’s Word.)

May 8, 2009
I am writing the date and I realize 11 years ago my children accepted Jesus into their heart. They were so excited to know Him. We used to pray every morning on the way to school. They would sing along to Christian radio. It was an innocent and pure time in their lives. …I want them to fully surrender their lives and love Jesus.

Though my job is temporary – I see the compromises being made. I miss spending time with Jesus praying and reading His word. (Hello?)

All I ever wanted was to be a good mom, wife, and God’s child. I want to serve my family. I want my home to be Kevin’s castle, and my children to be secure and comfortable with routine and the reliability of mom being available. This is my Biblical role. (Shame on me! Feminists are screaming “What about your college education, career, etc.?” Oh well!)

(The entry ends with a prayer. It was the last entry of my journal.)

Dear Jesus,
I want to be a good steward of my time. I want to serve my family and accomplish your purposes for me.
Give me Wisdom.
Encourage Me.
Make me obedient by learning from past mistakes.
Open my eyes.
Show me YOU through your Word.
My heart is yours. I daily have to surrender to you. I want to be faithful. Jesus, I want to feel your presence each hour and reach for You in my need. Remove the distractions from my life that keep me away from you. Amen. Acf

***My dearest friends, I strongly encourage you to keep a journal. If only a few days a month. Write your heart down. No one will normally read it. I didn’t think I would be sharing mine. Just write and pay no attention to grammar etc. It is hard for me to write as if no one will read it, but I manage. I just pour it out there on the page. It is very encouraging and insightful when you go back and read it. It is my hope today’s blog will inspire you to journal and continuously reflect on God’s goodness. I love you and thank you again for your encouragement. Acf