Hello, ladies, I am writing you from my desk, at work! I am back to the Dr. Office for a short period. I am helping them convert to a paperless office. I am busy scanning files. So I am sitting here having lunch. I am thinking of you all and missing my opportunity to regale you with my life. Lol!
I have something serious to share with you. It was an awesome event that happened because of obedience. But I had to first become humble, and divulge the ugliness of my heart. It was a time when God showed up to make good out of something that was very wrong.
Saturday was our church auction. Our family loves this annual auction. We enjoy the fellowship, the wonderful food, and the game of bidding for some neat stuff. Every year we set aside a certain amount we will spend at the auction. Every year we pick out an item we want and will bid as high as our budget allows whether it is worth $5 or $100+. This year it was an exercise bike. We managed to have most of our budget left when the bike came up for bidding. Kevin has been fully warned of my desire for this bike for our family gym. I use a similar bike at the gym I go to. I wanted this bike bad!
The bidding starts. The autioneers have their backs to Kevin and do not see him trying to bid. They are concentrating on two individuals who are bidding against each other for the bike, a dollar at a time. The auctioneer yells sold before Kevin even had a chance to bid.
I was sitting not far from Kevin while this was going on. I was sitting next to a friend and my sweet son was holding an umbrella over me to shade me. It was near the end of the auction and I was tired, hot, and obviously grouchy. Kevin heard in no uncertain terms my disappointment and though my friend tried to quiet me, I let my frustrations be known, OVER A $15 BIKE!
I went to the van to cool off. It was parked in the shade then I moved it to the parking lot so Kev and Cory could load it up with the stuff we did buy. I asked Kevin, after I decided that I would talk to him again, how much the Gnome collectible had sold for. He said a certain amount and them told me he bought it for ME! WAH! I am feeling the coals on my head!!! We went home, WITH THE BIKE, that Kevin bought off the winning bidder to surprise me. Later, I babysat Jayden and Jordan. We went to eat at at dear friends home, and came home and went to bed.
I had gone to bed at 10pm. I was so tired I could cry. I couldn't wait until my head hit the pillow. Then as I lay there, my eyes pop open. The Lord was replaying my "fit" in my mind. I was convicted. I was sad. I was told in no uncertain terms in my heart that I had acted very fleshly and carnal. The worst part was the Lord showed me that it was the loudness or the grouchiness per se, it was the words! Out of our mouths our hearts speak. My heart was saying I didn't respect Kevin, I was a selfish - want it my way, QUEEN! I was very displeasing to the Lord.
The next morning, I am in the shower, I am remembering my night, I start aching in my heart. I tell God I am sorry for being such a disgrace. I am sorry for my mouth, my heart. I ask God why does He put up with me. I tell Him I will never change and my mouth will always get me in trouble. I tell Him I understand if He gives up on me. I don't even trust myself. I am very genuine and I meant it with everything in me. I don't understand "grace" my girlfriends.
I step out of the shower and a song starts to play. I lean my head on the wall and I cry. I hear the Lord talking to me through the song. I listen. I think I get it! God is holding me! I will share the song at the end of this blog.
On the way to church, I hear the Lord asking me to share my experience and ask forgiveness to my friends, and the original bike bidder, which both are in my Sunday school class. We start the class and socialize a bit. Our teacher prays and asks in his prayer that God move us to obedience in what He asks us to do. WELL! After the prayer I ask permission to speak. It is a small class this particular time, 4 couples, and one other person. I relay the events told above and ask individual including my husband to forgive me. They do and they are sweet about it. I read the words to the song that played in my bathroom that morning. Every one is moved. Tears are falling. Men are sharing. We all start pouring out our struggles and our hearts. It is so beautiful! The spirit of God is present. We gather and hold hands. We close in prayer. We all hug each other. Men hugged men, women hugged. We all hugged each other.
Girlfriends, God showed up! It happened because of obedience. I was blessed. I have learned much about that terrible afternoon. I am excavating my heart and ridding it of ugliness, selfishness, and other strongholds that I didn't know existed. I may choose fleshliness again, God forbid, but it won't be because I failed to search my heart and clean house...clean temple!
East To West Lyrics
Here I am, Lord, and I'm drowning in your sea of forgetfulness
The chains of yesterday surround me
I yearn for peace and rest
I don't want to end up where You found me
And it echoes in my mind, keeps me awake tonight
I know You've cast my sin as far as the east is from the west
And I stand before You now as though I've never sinned
But today I feel like I'm just one mistake away from You leaving me this way
Jesus, can You show me just how far the east is from the west
'cause I can't bear to see the man I've been come rising up in me again
In the arms of Your mercy I find rest
'cause You know just how far the east is from the west
From one scarred hand to the other
I start the day, the war begins, endless reminding of my sin
Time and time again Your truth is drowned out by the storm I'm in
Today I feel like I'm just one mistake away from You leaving me this way
I know You've washed me white, turned my darkness into light
I need Your peace to get me through, to get me through this night
I can't live by what I feel, but by the truth Your word reveals
I'm not holding on to You, but You're holding on to me
You're holding on to me
Jesus, You know just how far the east is from the west
I don't have to see the man I've been come rising up in me again
In the arms of Your mercy I find rest
'cause You know just how far the east is from the west
From one scarred hand to the other
(Just how far the east is from the west, just how far)
One scarred hand to the other
(Lord, Just how far the east is from the west, just how far)
From one scarred hand to the other
© 2007 Reunion
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