LIquor Cycle (Sickle)

This post is dedicated to those who have requested me to blog again.  Thank you Rheta and Laura for blessing me with the knowledge that you enjoy my writing. 

I was walking out of Walmart several weeks ago.  I saw 2 men standing by 2 mopeds. "Liquor Cycles (sickles)" is what they have been termed since they require no driving license and if you have had your license taken away due to drunk driving then these are the vehicles for you.

These two men were standing there comparing their mopeds as if they were comparing Harley Davidsons. One man was heavy set with a tank t shirt and shorts.  The other man was thin dressed in jeans and a sloppy T shirt.  I was already forming in my mind an opinion of their life and wanting to laugh at their enthusiasm.  However, this Jesus girl was affected in a huge way.  The Holy Spirit grabbed hold of my heart.  I began to think "What is wrong with their enthusiasm?".  The mopeds were quite nice.  One was a pretty red and the other a sleek black.  These were two men who found some joy in what may have been a pretty hard loss.  They have to endure the stares and judgemental looks from the world.  They were just two men smiling, laughing, and sharing a common bond of "whatever".  Who am I to contribute to their pain even if they didn't know what I was set to think about them?  What business is it of mine?   I captured these thoughts and then the Holy Spirit revealed a new lesson to me.

These two men were proud of what they had.  They didn't have the best or the most ideal but they were enjoying what they had...transportation and maybe just the joy of life...breath...a new start or beginning.  Maybe they don't have any horrible circumstances...maybe they just want to save gas and enjoy something fun and this is what they can afford.  It doesn't matter.  What matters is what we have been blessed with, what we have earned by God's provision of breath and mobility, etc. is to be appreciated and enjoyed.  Not to mention, I have a responsibility to look at people and things through the eyes of Jesus not tainted with my negative or judgemental opinions.  

My last post was in March.  It was filled with Drama and Chaos.  Well, not much has changed, but I have new stories.  Before I share, I want you to know that I am a Jesus girl but I am not perfect.  I have so many real human emotions and struggles.  I am candid to share my downfalls but I still Believe and I still have my hope for an eternity with God.  My life isn't to be used as ammunition to live a worldly life and try to justify sin because she says she is a Christian and she makes mistakes so therefore so can I.  It doesn't work that way.  I want you to see that life is so much better with Jesus and He is forgiving and wants you to "keep on...keeping on.."

Kevin is offiially unemployed.  The last day of employment ended up being May 31st (an extension).  In May they sent Kev to India for 2 weeks.  He was sent to train the very people who were taking his job.  It was a bittersweet trip. Kev enjoyed his trip and they were very good to him and very protective.  He however still had the underlying knowledge that these people were given the jobs of many US citizens.  Kev gave them superior training and was loyal to IBM until the end.  Kevin has applied for several professional jobs and currently looking for an immediate local job to supplement our severance package.  He doesn't qualify for unemployment until the fall I believe.  Kev losing his job has been quite hard for me.  I didn't even realize it until recently when I just fell apart into puddles of tears and anger while in Kevin's arms.  It is hard to be strong for your husband and act like everything is ok and this isn't his fault and assure him that he is still a leader, provider and head of household when all the while you say to yourself this "sucks" (bad word in our house) and I am disappointed, and feel insecure.  Friends, I can honestly say I am not worried or scared but I don't have paitence and I don't like looking toward the future without any idea where we will end up living and where Kev will be employed. This is where it gets hard to enjoy each day and write a good page of my life story.  This is where my "liquor cycle" is hard to appreciate.  This is when faith is truly tried and depended on. 

My Behcets Disease is still on rampage.  Lots of Prednisone is needed to keep me from filling up with blisters, lesions, and joint pain.  I am puffy, hungry, and grouchy most days.  I have seen my rheumatologist and he is working again closely with me for some relief.  This disease is extremely sensitive to stress.  Stress anyone?  My internal medicine doctor has prescribed me a 1/2 tablet of anxiety/nerve pills to alleviate the symptoms of stress to help control the Behcets.  When I think of God healing me of this disease, I get happy because I know He can.  For now, He wants me to seek Him, depend on HIm and find my peace and rest in Him and truly then my disease will subside.  However, I just "stress" out.  I choose to light a cigarette, or eat a sweet, or take a nap.  Yes, this Jesus girl ignores the call to God and chooses defeat.  Why???? Well, though I don't make these choices all the time, it sometimes is easier to give up because again I am impatient and don't see God moving quick enough.  How silly is that and truthfully how dangerous?  Who am I to question the timing and ability of a Holy almighty God?  So more prayers go up than not and I actively try to choose God over my vices.

Cory is home for the summer.  He is struggling to find a job too.  He, however, maintains a positive and happy disposition.  He has a nice girl friend and she spends time with us too.  They both go to college together.  Cory has joined a new college Sunday school class and is looking forward to an increase knowledge of the Bible and refreshed faith.  I love Cory but it seems I never talk about him or bring him to attention.  I guess because he lives a fun, non-chaotic life, and for the most part makes good choices.  Why is it parents like me allow the squeaky wheel to get the oil?  Why do the children who seem to be doing alright get the least attention?  Something is wrong with this.  I found this out one evening when I was lying in my bed relaxing and my big Cory fell onto the bed beside me.  We talked and I asked his opinion on what was going on in our home.  He had some wise things to say to me and shared some disappointments.  It was hard to hear but it was truth.  I had to choose humility and seek God's wisdom on how to make a difference.  I am still working on this.

Tim is finally going to graduate this Friday. One friend of mine said the school should give kev and me the diploma.  It has been such a struggle to get to this point.  Tim has all the academic provision to succeed in high school and college but no discipline in his behavior and choices.  I am clearly candid about Tim's life in this blog and I hold nothing back so I cannot be accused of denial. However, I will say this year Tim has encountered what some would call "really bad luck".  Let's talk BMWs.  Earlier this year I reported that Tim's black BMW was hit head on by another vehicle and totalled.  God saved my son and girlfriend's lives.  We replaced the BMW with another BMW just as nice if not nicer.  Kev was driving it and it was hit. We fixed it.  3 weeks ago Tim was driving home after taking his girlfriend home from our house and he fell asleep at the wheel and totalled the 2nd BMW.  He called the police and they took the report and had his car towed home.  He was completely sober and not under the influence of drugs.  However, the DMV wants an 8 page report filled out by his doctor that he is competent to drive...oh fun!  Tim has been on several med changes and we are trying to get him accustomed to his meds and get him compliant so we can see changes in his over compulsive behaviors and depression.  My boy truly has made some bad choices and mistakes, but he also is fighting some very real mental stressors.  Tim's life has been spared many times.  He has been in some very serious accidents in the past 3 years as a driver and a passenger.  God has plans for this boy.  I am assured.  I know my boy made a real decision for Christ years ago. He has rebelled and to God it is like witchcraft to be rebellious.  BUT Tim BELONGS to Jesus.  There will be victory and my boy will walk across the platform to get his diploma and I will cry and  my heart will believe in a mighty, awesome God who will overcome the war for my son's soul and the battle is His.

Good news, My Brooke was married this spring.  She married Chad a nice man who loves her and her children.  He and Brooke have known each other for two years and this year after an amicable breakup they found their way back to each other.  As much as I want to give you details of her life, the important thing is what she did prior to her marriage.  She chose purity and she set standards.  She wrote these down and sent them to Chad.  He met them and stole her away to marry her.  She is full of smiles and they warm our hearts when we see them together.  She and I spend a lot of time on the porch when she lived with us this year.  She is well equipped to be a good wife and example of a Godly woman.  I am so proud of them both and it won't be long until our Chad will come to see our faith and joy in Christ. 

This has been a long blog.  I want to encourage you in some way but I am not sure what to say when my life looks a little unsettled and perhaps even discouraging.  I do know in my heart that God is in control.  My personality, my wishes and desires don't have to get in the way if I will just quiet myself down and listen to the still calm voice that tells me which way to go.  I still have enthusiasm and gratitude for my "moped" life.  I am alive and I get to enjoy friends and family.  How I enjoy them is up to me....I choose to love. Love generously and with abandon.  Love looks different to everyone but for me it looks unconditional, with mercy and forgiveness....I'll let God do the judging and guiding.  He will give the wisdom for discipline and the ability to love.  How will you love today?  What does love look like to you?

I Still Believe.  Click on Title.