Weighted Down

Hello, my friends! It has been a long week and I am sure I was busy but I can’t tell you what I’ve done. However, if getting my boys off to their separate vacations qualifies, then I was VERY busy. Cory is on a Caribbean Cruise on the Freedom of the Seas, Royal Caribbean ship. He earned every penny to go and hopefully, is now enjoying the fruits of his labor. Tim is off in Cherry Grove, SC for a beach vacation with his girlfriend, and her mother, and friends. Kevin and I are enjoying some empty nest time.
I say enjoy but I am “sick” once again. I will give details in a minute. How are you, my blog buddies? I miss writing my blog and getting comments and emails. If you don’t have my email it is acfriend@bellsouth.net.

So last week I kept feeling a dull pain in my abdomen, specifically beneath my navel. I of course tried to self diagnose myself that I had a hernia. I read every thing on the web I could. It was depressing because the type of hernia I thought I had is found commonly in obese people. Hello? I am obese…WAH! When I went to the doctor first thing Monday morning, she said it was not a hernia but I had some abnormal symptoms and she was suspicious of appendix trouble. I went for some tests, CT of abdomen with and w/o contrast, a dye shot through my veins. They found nothing. So today I went to a surgeon who specializes in Gastro something or another. They ruled out a hernia but did a culture on some fluid in my navel. Ouch!!! They now say I have some kind of tear and it may be infected. I am now taking antibiotics for it. So there I have it, another reason to cry about my weight. Ladies, this is where you may want to jump ship and close this blog. I am about to whine, be candid, and cry out of my depression about my weight.

Since last November when I started this blog, I have had my up and downs in my quest to lose weight. I have dieted, read a million books, sought counsel, seen my doctor, joined a gym for 6 weeks, created a home gym-used it, and received lots of encouragement from my friends. Guess what? No long lasting (if any) results. I am now desperate for relief. You see in 2001 I struggled to keep my weight under 200lbs. I needed to lose weight then but after being diagnosed with Behcets Disease and taking Prednisone for 8 years I now have to fight a weight gain of 80lbs. I actually need to lose over 100lbs to get to my ideal weight. This seems so hopeless. I have to battle irregular hunger and appetite. I have to battle fatigue. Plus, I have to battle my own sabotages of mindless, emotional or compulsive eating. Girlfriends, I am a discouraged woman.

I want to share some of the very real problems that I face by being obese. You may be asking “why would you want to do this?” Well, I want to set some things straight. I have people in my life that truly don’t understand my battle and are critical of my weight and offer no slack or consideration for why I am overweight. They have said things like, “You are lazy” “You can’t use you meds as an excuse.” “You aren’t being taken seriously spiritually because you are fat and undisciplined.” “You don’t care about your self.” Ladies, these comments are made by my friends. It truly hurts. I usually just laugh and push down my feelings.

Let’s talk about lazy. Hmm! I have a clean house. I do errands and various deeds to help my boys and husband. I visit people in need and I visit friends to encourage them. I work PRN – as needed by my doctor’s office. I am not active like I should be in church but I do participate as I can. I run my household as best I can. My husband doesn’t do everything as I have been accused. He does help me tremendously but nothing is ever required or expected. Believe it or not, my husband loves me…even though I am fat. I hate having to defend myself, but please know I am not obese because I am lazy.

As for my medicine, I fluctuate between 10mg to 60mg of Prednisone to keep my sores in my mouth from opening and moving down my throat. This disease has been known to almost cripple me. It keeps me fatigued and has symptoms similar to Chronic Fatigue Syndrome and Fibromaylga (spelling?). I have used literally thousands of dollars of treatments to put this disease in remission. One treatment cost $29 THOUSAND dollars and I had to pay 4 thousand of it. The only thing that works to keep it from a major flare up is Prednisone. Prednisone causes insatiable appetites in some patients. I have to consciously tell myself “you just ate or you need to stop you are not hungry.” It also causes “moon” face which is swelling and fullness in the face. I have had people not recognize me due to the fullness of my face. Ladies, the med is a true obstacle in my battle against obesity. I also have to deal with the underlying stress that Prednisone compromises the health of my teeth, nervous system, muscles, heart, and causes me “steroid induced” diabetes. Please know that I don’t use my meds as an excuse.

I will skip the spiritual accusation till later in this post.

Now please know that I do care about myself. I love myself. I never used to love myself but not because of physical reasons, but other emotional issues that stemmed from my past. Ladies, I don’t like being fat. It is uncomfortable. It denies me a life that I want to live. Every day I get up and wash and clean my body. I moisturize my face and lotion my body. I love clean smelling scents to wash with and fresh clean fragrance in my hair. I put on make up and try to present a feminine face. My hair is not so great lately because I have been letting it grow out so I can make a pony tail while I am in Jamaica on my mission trip. Overall, if I didn’t care about myself, I think I would be unkempt.

Obesity hurts my friends. I can’t tie my shoes or polish my toe nails without major discomfort. I feel exertion doing normal activities at times. My ankles hurt and my knees are weakened. I constantly perspire on my face due to my extra insulation. There is nothing like the frustration I feel when someone walks up to me and says, “You are sweating.” DA! I didn’t know that. What am I supposed to say?

I can’t find any clothes that cover enough or of any real style. I don’t have the money to dress any better than I do. Besides, who wants to spend money on clothes that are a size you never dreamed you would wear. I recently bought some peasant skirts to wear while I am in Jamaica. They require dresses or skirts while you minister/participate in activities. I look like a parachute or oversized drink umbrella. These skirts are all I could find that fit and were cheap enough to buy.

As for living my life, I try my best to enjoy it. I had a friend whom I love recently say, “Anna, you never let your weight stop you from participating in life.” She admired me for it. She used to weigh over 300lb and now weight 160ish. She is so enjoying her life now. I do get out and do some things but I don’t do all I want. I don’t get to go to theme parks any more and ride the roller coasters. I don’t swim anymore. I don’t dance. I don’t try on clothes. I don’t get massages. I don’t buy pretty shoes with heels. I don’t hold children on my lap…I don’t have one. I can go on and on. I love my family, my friends, and my relationship with Christ, and so much more. It is because of these constants in my life that I press on and live my days with joy. I don’t particularly think of all I am missing out on, but deep inside I would love to live more fully.

Let’s talk about the comment about my spirituality and my qualifications to teach, share or minister because of my weight. I didn’t know there was a weight limit, yet I am very aware that an undisciplined life and lack of self control is a sin. I am very aware that my weight is a distraction. I know that my body is a temple for the Lord. I am so aware that my body needs to be healthy and have stamina to do His work. I want to lose weight to be fit for service and appreciate the temple He has given me. I don’t think that my studying, reading, fellowshipping, and church attendance that enhance my learning of God’s word is any less absorbed and effective because I am obese.

My life experiences both spiritual and human are used by God whether I am fat or thin. I have learned from some wonderful men of God who happen to smoke. I have learned from other Christians that struggle with daily sins like smoking, over spending, gossiping, etc. I don’t judge their struggles but look at their fruits, sacrifices, dedication to learning of the word, etc. I am so hopeful you my blogging friends won’t judge me or others who are learning and striving to make Him known because we are fat. We may very well have issues that need resolved to lose our weight. We don’t need judgment but PRAYER, please. What are your opinions? Maybe I am just making excuses for myself. I truly am sincere. Let me have it.

Okay, by now you are saying, Anna I need a break. Lighten up. I am sorry. I am just so depressed about my situation. I will make some changes. I will lose weight and give God the glory. I just want you to know that I don’t enjoy my obesity. In fact, my friend, my weight is literally killing me. Kevin visited with an uncle in Michigan last month who has cancer of the brain. It was contributed to being on Prednisone for 10 years. Hello? I have been on it for 8 years. I pray daily for my healing of Behcets Disease. The excess weight isn’t good for my heart either. So ladies please know that I get it!

In closing, I stated earlier that some friends have made these comments to me. These are friends but they aren’t you. At least those of you I know. I am sad to say though they are Christians. They tell me they love me. I think they mean well. I know not to hold their comments against them. I am forgiving and I don’t fret about it. I love them. I again must say I am just struggling today. Thank you for your time. Thank you for reading. Thank you, “dear diary”…you my blogging buddies. I can’t see your face or hug you but I feel connected. I love you. Acf