Ladies, I ask your forgiveness for not sharing enough to be clear about my struggles on Friday's post. I ask forgiveness for not initially and genuinely "walking the talk". I ask your forgiveness for any tones of my post that were negative or caused discomfort. I want my posts to be real and candid with my life in hopes they will encourage someone in need, and I want my posts to bring joy and entertain as well. I realize that many of my posts are, however, I blew it Friday. I should of posted a simple, "please pray for my family and I will see you on Monday". Thank you ladies for your comments and calls. The best returns of my posts are the comments and emails from you...you encourage me. I would appreciate your continued support.
THE MELTDOWN
This post will give you some details of my Thursday evening, and my Friday meltdown. I want to share because once again you will see my life as less than perfect but a God who is so loving and patient.
The Outline:
THURSDAY:
We met with Tim's teacher. He was asked to be a leader in his class by his teacher. Tim is failing the class due to lack of turning in his homework but is fully capable of the assignments.
This mom had to carefully encourage her oldest son because his parents had to move him back home because we could not afford the dorm costs and he had to reduce his credits to stay in college. He had to deal with leaving his friends he enjoyed living with and the fact that he would have to go to summer school. He is still healing from the "breakup" as well. My heart was very heavy.
My husband announces that the van needs tires very soon. Yet we have to use the van more because the car is making a new noise. The car already is making wheel bearing noises, plus has an electrical problem. $$$$$$.
We drive our rebel, grade failing son to a concert in Charlotte. He had tickets given to him on his birthday in November. We would not have taken him since his English grade, and behavior are not up to family standard but the price invested in the tickets deterred our best judgment. This was not a Christian concert. Conviction squeezed my heart all night.
FRIDAY:
Tim wrecks his BMW on the way to school. It was a solo accident that was clearly a response to careless behavior not weather.
The car is dead other than for an emergency.
Kevin has to work on his day off.
My suspicions with Tim are confirmed. He returns home for the day flying like a kite if you get my drift.
Ladies, my day ends with me falling to my knees literally in the middle of my family room. I was wrapping presents for this boy at that very moment he walked in. I recognized the behavior and he confessed. He went up to his room for the night.
I dropped to the floor on my knees and my heart broke. I love this child. He is so handsome. He is so academically gifted. He has talent. He has parents who love him. He is provided for. Why does he make these negative choices? Where did I go wrong? Where did we go wrong as parents? The tears poured out and my chest physically tightened. I was sobbing. I was physically in pain. I stretched out and face down lied on the carpet and cried out to God. I lamented and repented. Kevin stood initially by my side not knowing what to do. He was angry, and hurt too. He had a wife that he couldn't help. He eventually kneeled down and supplied me a wet wash cloth to clean up with. I had cried so hard that my nose bled. Ladies, I felt like a mother whose child had died. I missed the son who I held on my hip for hours. The son was such a joy to raise because of his humor and ability to make me smile. Death appeared to visit our home Friday night.
Ladies, all my financial strains and frustrations paled in comparison to losing my son to his bad choices. I realize some of you are saying it's not drugs just "pot" but ladies it is still illegal and it is not in God's will to alter our lives with recreational substitutes to serving and relating with Him.
LOOKING UP
I rose off my knees. My husband held me. He assured me of his commitment to Tim and his well being. He had no words to console my broken heart but he was there. He told me my joy must continue. He told me to attend a girlfriend function in the morning and he told me life does not end now. He was right. I could not give up. I have a "Father" and He knows what my future holds. He knows Tim's name. He will not give up on Tim. I can't either.
Ladies, I have a sovereign God in my life. He is in relationship with me. I could reject Him, blame him and give up. I could tell Him "I try so hard, I do this and this, or Why me?" but who am I? I must trust and believe. I must get in the Word. I cannot let the enemy win. I have choices to make. So be it.
Here's a scripture that needs some background and study and I encourage you to do so. I kept hearing in the words "slow to anger" in my grief on Friday. I looked up the references for these words in the Bible and there were many. This particular scripture spoke to me. It spoke of idols and slavery. It spoke to my situation with my son.
Nehemiah 9:16-18 (New American Standard Bible)
16"But they, our fathers, acted arrogantly;
They became stubborn and would not listen to Your commandments.
17"They refused to listen,
And did not remember Your wondrous deeds which You had performed among them;
So they became stubborn and appointed a leader to return to their slavery in Egypt
But You are a God of forgiveness,
Gracious and compassionate,
Slow to anger and abounding in lovingkindness;
And You did not forsake them.
18"Even when they made for themselves
A calf of molten metal
And said, 'This is your God
Who brought you up from Egypt,'
And committed great blasphemies,
Ladies, I would appreciate your prayers for my family. Thank you for your support and be encouraged if you are having a struggle in your life. He will give you hope and He abounds in lovingkindness. acf
1 comment:
None of us have the perfect child but my dear Anna we do serve a perfect God! I will be in prayer for your family.
Love -n- Hugs
Lisa
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